20 Questions

Q. Where do you live?
A. Scotland

Q. Whereabouts exactly?
A. Are you stalking me?

Q. Who do you live with?
A. My human servant, Suzie

Q. Do you have a partner?
A. Only in crime

Q. Who's your best friend?
A. Smoky at number 18

Q. Are your parents alive?
A. Don't know about my mum and my old man's immortal

Q. What does your father do?
A. All kinds of bad stuff

Q. What time do you rise?
A. When my stomach dictates

Q. How do you spend your day?
A. Asleep

Q. Where do you go out at night?
A. The garden

Q. What would be your ideal job?
A. Lap tester

Q. Where would you most like to be?
A. On a fat wheelchair-bound lap surrounded by prawns (shrimps)

Q. Who is your fictional hero?
A. Tom

Q. Fictional villain?
A. Jerry

Q. What are your vices?
A. How long have you got?

Q. What are your virtues?
A. Are you kidding me?

Q. What single thing would most improve your life?
A. Opposable thumbs

Q. Who would you like to sit next to at a dinner party?
A. A blind man eating steak

Q. Who would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
A. A prawn salesman who is prone to fainting in enclosed spaces

Q. What is your motto?
A. Do unto others as much as you like

TVCat food commercials
FoodKing prawns fried in butter and dipped in cream at room temperature
SportLate-night poker
ColourBlack with a hint of jet
Time of dayHalf-past bedtime
Time of yearBleak mid-winter - in front of a roaring fire
Body partThe hand that feeds me
MusicBirdsong at close quarters
CountryThe land of nod. Goodnight